Happy Birthday my sweet Juliana!
Sometimes I cant believe it has been a year and other times I can remember every painful detail. It has been a year since my heart was shattered in a million pieces. Over the past year I have felt the most unimaginable pain and also love. I have learned so much. If you would have told me a year ago that I would make it through this past year I wouldn't have believed you. It was a definite struggle. Joey has been my light. He is always there when I need him - to pick me up, dust me off, and drag me out. My parents have never wavered in their support. Every week they would drop what they were doing in their really busy lives and spend the night with Joey and I. Those dinners did so much for our healing. My friends (online and IRL) who never let me say NO. Who did things anyways. Who never stopped calling or emailing to check on me. Wow how blessed we are. I couldn't have made it without all of those special people. Oh and I cant forget my special angel who never ceases to remind us that she is here with us. I cherish all of those special times when Juliana makes her presence known. It is like a calm comes over Joey and I. It is wonderful and amazing just like Juliana.
To my sweet Juliana,
It has been a year since we held you in your arms. January 12 is always going to be a special day for us we decided because that is the day we got to hold you and spend a few glorious hours with you. I can still remember your beautiful little lips and cute little face. I wanted you to know how many people's lives you have touched. Not only have you worked miracles. Joshua is proof of that. But also bringing Auntie Lena and Uncle Larry back into your Daddy and my lives was one of the most special miracles. You helped your Daddy more than you will ever know! Can you believe how a like they are? You have touched peoples hearts in places as far away as Australia, California, Texas, Indiana, Canada, and the list goes on and on. They will always remember you Juliana. You are a very special little girl.
Today Daddy and Mommy planned a little birthday celebration for you. All your aunts and uncles will be here and your grandparents. Oh and little Dash too. We are going to the cemetery to send balloons up to you and place roses on your grave. Mommy and Daddy worked really hard on your butterfly cake we hope everyone likes it. I hope our love surrounds you today as you get ready for your big birthday celebration up in heaven. Know that you are missed and loved so much! You will always be our special little girl. We love and miss you so much!
Love, Mommy
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
Pictures
Tonight I sit here and decided to post an update on the blog in the form of pictures. This week is extremely difficult for Joey and I. The first set of pictures are of a package I received from a group of women I met while pregnant with Juliana. They have been so supportive to me during the past year and the nine months I was pregnant with Juliana. They are a wonderful group of amazing women!
The next picture is of a memorial bracelet that a wonderful woman named Cynthia from SG sent us. It is so special and we cant wait to put it in her memory box.
The next picture is of a blinky that all my online friends surprised me with. Thank-you Kendra for creating it. I will always remember what we went through together early January last year!
The next set of pictures are of the memorials that we created for Juliana's first birthday. We sent them out to all of our family and friends.
It humbles us to know that people still think about Juliana and how much she has touched other peoples lives as well as our own (More on that in a later blog this week)
Juliana,
I love you sweetie. This is a hard week for mommy as I remember everything we did that last week. I love you my little beautiful angel!! I miss you more every day!
Love, Mommy
The next picture is of a memorial bracelet that a wonderful woman named Cynthia from SG sent us. It is so special and we cant wait to put it in her memory box.
The next picture is of a blinky that all my online friends surprised me with. Thank-you Kendra for creating it. I will always remember what we went through together early January last year!
The next set of pictures are of the memorials that we created for Juliana's first birthday. We sent them out to all of our family and friends.
It humbles us to know that people still think about Juliana and how much she has touched other peoples lives as well as our own (More on that in a later blog this week)
Juliana,
I love you sweetie. This is a hard week for mommy as I remember everything we did that last week. I love you my little beautiful angel!! I miss you more every day!
Love, Mommy
Monday, December 24, 2007
Juliana's First Christmas
Juliana,
Merry Christmas my love! Mommy and Daddy miss you so much! I am sitting here on Christmas Eve remembering last Christmas eve with you. Exactly a year ago we were sitting here just you and me watching the end of Christmas with the Kranks and getting ready to go to sleep. We had just spent the night with all your cousins. I spent the whole night thinking about the pretty Christmas dress I was going to buy you and how you and Madeline were going to be so cute running all around together. Tonight was hard for Mommy. I couldn't go with Daddy to a place where you were supposed to be. It would have broke my heart even more. So here I am thinking about you and waiting for your Daddy to come home. Daddy and I were talking last night and were wondering what it is like for you up there in heaven. I said that you were sitting in front of the most beautiful Christmas tree with a beautiful Christmas dress on playing with all your angel friends. I hope that you are getting spoiled up there. Mommy would have got you an the American girl doll - Bitty baby - I wonder if they have those up there. I bet that the Christmas music is so wonderful in heaven. We went to the cemetery today to make sure your tree was still standing tall. It is hard not having you here with us. Part of us will always be with you. I miss you so much my sweetheart. Daddy and I hope you have a wonderful first Christmas. There wont be a moment tomorrow that we wont be thinking of you and wishing you were here with us. I know you wont be far from our heart! I love and miss you my special little girl. Good night sweetheart!
Love, Mommy
Merry Christmas my love! Mommy and Daddy miss you so much! I am sitting here on Christmas Eve remembering last Christmas eve with you. Exactly a year ago we were sitting here just you and me watching the end of Christmas with the Kranks and getting ready to go to sleep. We had just spent the night with all your cousins. I spent the whole night thinking about the pretty Christmas dress I was going to buy you and how you and Madeline were going to be so cute running all around together. Tonight was hard for Mommy. I couldn't go with Daddy to a place where you were supposed to be. It would have broke my heart even more. So here I am thinking about you and waiting for your Daddy to come home. Daddy and I were talking last night and were wondering what it is like for you up there in heaven. I said that you were sitting in front of the most beautiful Christmas tree with a beautiful Christmas dress on playing with all your angel friends. I hope that you are getting spoiled up there. Mommy would have got you an the American girl doll - Bitty baby - I wonder if they have those up there. I bet that the Christmas music is so wonderful in heaven. We went to the cemetery today to make sure your tree was still standing tall. It is hard not having you here with us. Part of us will always be with you. I miss you so much my sweetheart. Daddy and I hope you have a wonderful first Christmas. There wont be a moment tomorrow that we wont be thinking of you and wishing you were here with us. I know you wont be far from our heart! I love and miss you my special little girl. Good night sweetheart!
Love, Mommy
Saturday, December 8, 2007
December 8th 2007
Juliana,
Well I am sitting here alone in front of our half decorated Christmas tree and thinking about how I cant believe it has been a year since I sat here with you. I remember December 8th 2006 like it was yesterday. You and I sat here all day and you gave me birthday kicks and then everyone came over for cake to celebrate. It was a happy day. If only Mommy could turn back the clock maybe things could be different. This isn't how I imagined December 8th 2007 to be. I thought you would be here smiling and crawling all over me. All I wanted last year for my birthday was you. I know you are with me I felt you there last night while I was in your room. I felt you dry my tears and calm my sobbing. Mommy hasn't been doing that well. I miss you so much. I don't know how I am going to get through the next month until your birthday. Most days I don't think I have the strength. Most days I sit and cry on the couch, in your room, or at the cemetery. I know I have to take care of myself for your little brother or sister but I am having a hard time doing that. I just want to know how I am supposed to live my life without you? How am I supposed to get through the day without seeing your beautiful face? How am I going to get through years of Christmas's missing you? I guess that is why you sent me this new little miracle. You are so special to me. You always will be. Mommy loves you so much!! I miss you my sweet angel.
Love, Mommy
Well I am sitting here alone in front of our half decorated Christmas tree and thinking about how I cant believe it has been a year since I sat here with you. I remember December 8th 2006 like it was yesterday. You and I sat here all day and you gave me birthday kicks and then everyone came over for cake to celebrate. It was a happy day. If only Mommy could turn back the clock maybe things could be different. This isn't how I imagined December 8th 2007 to be. I thought you would be here smiling and crawling all over me. All I wanted last year for my birthday was you. I know you are with me I felt you there last night while I was in your room. I felt you dry my tears and calm my sobbing. Mommy hasn't been doing that well. I miss you so much. I don't know how I am going to get through the next month until your birthday. Most days I don't think I have the strength. Most days I sit and cry on the couch, in your room, or at the cemetery. I know I have to take care of myself for your little brother or sister but I am having a hard time doing that. I just want to know how I am supposed to live my life without you? How am I supposed to get through the day without seeing your beautiful face? How am I going to get through years of Christmas's missing you? I guess that is why you sent me this new little miracle. You are so special to me. You always will be. Mommy loves you so much!! I miss you my sweet angel.
Love, Mommy
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Thanksgiving
Well the holiday season is upon us. Today is Thanksgiving. I woke up not feeling like myself and then I realized it is because someone is missing. Its Juliana's first Thanksgiving in heaven. Thanksgiving is a time for remembering everything you are thankful for. It was hard for me to come up with things to be thankful for but I did: Thankful I have a roof over my head, thankful I have food to eat today and family to spend it with, thankful for my husband, thankful for my little blessing, and thankful most importantly for my beautiful little girl. Even though she isn't here with us she is always with us in our hearts and for that gift I am blessed.
Juliana,
Happy Thanksgiving Sweetheart. Mommy misses you a lot today! I hope you are enjoying yourself up there with your relatives. Know there wont be a minute today that I wont be thinking of you and wishing you were here with us. I love and miss you so much!!
Love, Mommy
Juliana,
Happy Thanksgiving Sweetheart. Mommy misses you a lot today! I hope you are enjoying yourself up there with your relatives. Know there wont be a minute today that I wont be thinking of you and wishing you were here with us. I love and miss you so much!!
Love, Mommy
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Juliana's First Halloween
Well it is the eve of Halloween this year and unfortunately the firsts arent getting any easier as the year progresses. On sunday Joey and I carved pumpkins and we of course carved one for Juliana. Below are pictures...the butterfly one is Juliana's.
Juliana,
Happy Halloween my sweetheart! Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. I hope you are up there playing in some pumpkin patch with all your angel friends. Your cousins are coming to visit us tomorrow night and I know it will be bittersweet for us to see them all dressed up and not have you with us. Send mommy and daddy extra love tomorrow and know how much we love you and miss you! We hope you love your pumpkin! We love you Juliana!
Love, Mommy and Daddy
Juliana,
Happy Halloween my sweetheart! Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. I hope you are up there playing in some pumpkin patch with all your angel friends. Your cousins are coming to visit us tomorrow night and I know it will be bittersweet for us to see them all dressed up and not have you with us. Send mommy and daddy extra love tomorrow and know how much we love you and miss you! We hope you love your pumpkin! We love you Juliana!
Love, Mommy and Daddy
Monday, October 15, 2007
October 15th Infant loss and Awareness Day
Well tonight I will be lighting my candle for my beautiful Juliana and for my wonderful 'friends' who have also lost their babies. It has been a long time since my last entry - life has been hard. I am going to start with a poem that someone sent me today:
"A Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author unknown
Well like I said above life has been hard. I have hope again but it doesnt change how much I miss my little girl. I have been thoroughly disappointed by some people in my life and their lack of understanding of my grief. My life changed on January 12th and will never be the same. I have been visiting the anger stage of grief a lot lately. As I was ready to run upstairs to L&D last night at work to save a little baby whose mother hadnt felt him/her move for 2 days I couldnt help thinking of my loss. Two days - how lucky she was that there was a heartbeat. Less than 12 hours for me with decreased movement and it was too late. Why was it too late? These are questions that are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I hope that doesnt make me a bad person.
To my sweet Juliana,
I miss you more today than the day I had to give you back to the nurse. I will be lighting a candle for you tonight and I just know there will be more around the world for you. Thank you for always showing me that you are with me. I know I dont make it easy for you and sometimes you have to send me blatent signs but I get them. I especially liked the little dark haired girl in the waiting room today named Lily. I hope that you are happy up there. Please keep an extra special eye on your mommy and the little miracle. I love you so much sweetheart. You will always be my special angel.
Love, Mommy
"A Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author unknown
Well like I said above life has been hard. I have hope again but it doesnt change how much I miss my little girl. I have been thoroughly disappointed by some people in my life and their lack of understanding of my grief. My life changed on January 12th and will never be the same. I have been visiting the anger stage of grief a lot lately. As I was ready to run upstairs to L&D last night at work to save a little baby whose mother hadnt felt him/her move for 2 days I couldnt help thinking of my loss. Two days - how lucky she was that there was a heartbeat. Less than 12 hours for me with decreased movement and it was too late. Why was it too late? These are questions that are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I hope that doesnt make me a bad person.
To my sweet Juliana,
I miss you more today than the day I had to give you back to the nurse. I will be lighting a candle for you tonight and I just know there will be more around the world for you. Thank you for always showing me that you are with me. I know I dont make it easy for you and sometimes you have to send me blatent signs but I get them. I especially liked the little dark haired girl in the waiting room today named Lily. I hope that you are happy up there. Please keep an extra special eye on your mommy and the little miracle. I love you so much sweetheart. You will always be my special angel.
Love, Mommy
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