6 months!

On July 12th, 2007 it was 6 months since our sweet little Juliana left us. Ironically it was the same day as Joey's 29th bday. For the two weeks leading up to her 6 month anniversary was the hardest two weeks of my life. I missed her so much I almost couldn't handle it. I would be able to function at work but other than that I was a mess. I could barely hold myself up at the cemetery (which yes I still visit twice almost every day). As usual the buildup was worse than the actual day. In fact I spent the day getting ready for Joey's bday and playing with Norah. It was such a big step for me but so worth every smile and second I got to spend looking into her eyes. I wished it was Juliana but glad that I was with her best little buddy on her angel day. I wish I could say that things were different 6 months later but they really aren't. The only things that have changed is us and what we have learned. We are different people. I am now someone who spends most of her free time at the cemetery or in Juliana's memorial garden. I have gotten so used the cemetery that it is comforting to be there - weird I know. And I have realized that I really enjoy planting gardens, taking care of my flowers, and watching things grow. I guess it really isn't far off from what I do for a living huh? I am now a person that doesn't like crowds and cringes at the thought of going to any family parties, when before that was the highlight of my life. I am now a person that cant stop staring at other families (especially ones with little girls) and become so obsessed I cant concentrate on anything else. Joey calls this the train wreck phenomenon. I am a person who dreads making those return phone calls because I hate having to say the same thing over and over again. I am a person who is constantly haunted while awake and while dreaming about the worst moments of my life (when they told me Juliana's heart had stopped and the fateful days that followed). I am now a person who has to try really hard to smile and have fun. I am now a person who cries a lot. I am now a parent who lost their child.

OK so for as much as I have changed is how much I have learned from my little girl. I have learned how much you can love something. I have learned that I am a Strong person. I have learned that I have a wonderful husband who continues to amaze me (I am so blessed!!). I have learned that both my parents are also wonderful people and they have been so supportive to both Joey and I. I honestly think they love Joey just as much as me and my brothers. I have learned that people can be so wonderful in times of struggle - especially my friends. I have so many wonderful, amazing, caring friends that have never wavered. I have learned that I can bond with people I have never met on online support groups and consider them my friends. I have learned how to help other mothers who are suffering a loss. I have learned how to wake up each morning and get out of bed even though it would be easier to pull the covers over my head. OK well I know that Juliana has taught us even more but the most important thing she has taught us is unconditional love.

To my sweet Juliana: Mommy loves you so much and misses you more than you know. I hope that you are smiling and babbling up there for all of our relatives. I am sure that you are center of attention up there. Thanks for all the little signs - I am sure I miss some of them but I love the ones I get. Thanks for looking over Daddy and me. Daddy misses you a lot too and loves you so much. I love you sweetheart. I am sending kisses up to heaven for you tonight. P.S. It is Auntie Christina's bday today so maybe you and Auntie Ann Marie could work on a special gift for her.